Single women and Valentine’s Day

On Sunday, I arrived from Cebu City after a brief visit to Bohol on occasion of my father’s birthday. Being a sentimental soul, homecoming is not only melancholic; it’s very restful and relaxing as well. It’s very comforting and works wonders to the soul. ”There’s no other place like home.” That sums up everything.

Sunday evening, I was staring on the computer screen wondering what in the world to write for my column this week when my dearest Chavacana bonita amiga Cecile inspired me to write about “single career women in their thirties and how they will celebrate Valentine’s Day”. Ha! What a master piece but tough job. How to write about it?

Let’s start. A lot of women these days are single. They are not only single; they have financial independence as well. Others call it careers. I have lots of single friends – gorgeous girls mind you – with good jobs and in their thirties. You may start wondering what’s with the age-thing? Oh well, women have different perceptions of life at thirty. Some look forward to it. Some fear it. Others celebrate it. Still some others want to get over it – the sooner the better.

In this modern age and date when women are hailed for having careers and living life with gusto, a lot of women still feel lonely at the end of the day. They still feel a void. They desire to belong to someone and be loved by someone. Isn’t this a universal need? Even men want to belong to someone, be cared for by someone.

Thus, single women in their thirties, and not in relationships bond together to celebrate their lives by maximizing their talents and gifts, not to mention their money. Look around; you will see them in groups in bars, restaurants, malls, movie houses, coffee shops, gyms, other likely places they tend to congregate. However, for some others who have excelled professionally and financially, and are comfortable by their lonesome from time to time, they have difficulty connecting with men because these able women have “ways” that intimidate men. I guess you have heard of the phrase: She is intimidating.

Women who have independent minds, are accomplished, moneyed, and going places almost naturally intimidate men who are just upstarts. So pray tell, how do they connect? There’s really no point of connection unless the more established party goes down one level to accommodate the upstart. Yeah I know it sounds harsh but the truth hurts. In any relationship, either of the parties involved has a bigger sacrifice over the other. That’s how a relationship works. There’s no perfect relationship. All relationships entail sacrifice.

So what do we do with thirty-something single career women on Valentine’s Day? Tough question. We cannot play cupid and find them their Valentines. I will not volunteer for the job.

I guess it’s the same thing every year then, minus the years that they were involved in a relationship. It’s like any other ordinary day. They go to work and at the end of the day, they go home and sleep. For some others, they congregate together and have dinner in a fancy restaurant culminating in either singing or dancing. For the more romantic, two single career women or three can have either a dinner date or simply lounge in a coffee house, chat about their “miserable hearts” while soft music appeases their romance-deprived souls. Ah, who’s stopping you from inventing anything to enjoy Valentine’s Day. Some would probably watch a concert, show or movie.

Still at the end of the day, our single, thirty-something career women will always find ways and means to enjoy life on Valentine’s Day, Valentine or no Valentine. After all, human beings whether man or woman, will constantly work on surviving ANY lonely day.

So girl, cheer up! It’s just one of those days when you feel the lack. The upcoming days will be better. Just fill your life with the little joys of the moment while Valentine is finding his way to you.

Note: This article was published in a local paper sometime in 2008.

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Get real!

Have you ever had the misfortune of meeting or knowing a gender-insensitive man in your office, workplace or organization? They are not difficult to spot. These are the bunch of people who turn resentful whenever a woman is given the opportunity to shine and captivate an audience including management or leadership; and feel threatened whenever a woman is acknowledged capable to execute a man’s supposedly highly sensitive work. Get real! This is not the forties man! Today is 2004, and with that the changes in mindsets, attitudes and paradigms.

Have you ever heard of the cellular phone and texting? Telecommunications has become the global paradox. With it, the world has become both bigger and smaller at the same time. The world has turned bigger because with each technological advancement and discovery, we are expanding our horizons; and smaller because now, we can easily connect to the farthest country on earth. Thanks to telecommunications.

And yet, here we are confronted with adult men whose mindsets are remnants of the Spanish era – where women were boxed and their opportunities limited to getting married and raising children. Hello!

I can only commiserate with the miserable lives of these men whose attitudes on women are very parochial and stereotypical. Their minds are so small and shallow. No wonder they have not gone a notch higher in stature and prominence.

It’s not enough that they sabotage a woman’s best effort; they even go to the lengths of assassinating her character. And with that, they start thinking they have won the game. Sorry people, women are cut out differently. Let us revisit the strength of women, shall we? Women are stronger emotionally. Women keep families intact. Women hold the balance in the family. A woman is the epitome of equilibrium through all the bad and tough times. That’s why we dearly love our mothers.

There are also supposedly younger men who have become disciples of these narrow and shallow-minded gender-insensitive adult men. You think that because they were born much, much later, they are more attuned to the changes in the world. You think wrong. These young gender-insensitive men easily fall on the list of disciples because they don’t know anything at all. They don’t read books and don’t adopt new thoughts and paradigms. They simply remain ignorant, dull, and worse, mediocre. Poor men. To think, they come from a younger generation.

So what do women do given the undeserved criticism of these traditional, dull, mediocre small-minds? I can only venture one recommendation. Take the high road and continue making a difference. You owe it to your Maker to maximize your gifts. According to the “Purpose-Driven Life” book, “by maximizing your potentials, you give greater glory to God who in the larger picture, made you for a purpose. Remember you did not happen by chance; God planned you.”

Sustain the desire to excel in the areas of your expertise and be the best in your field. The world will not stop to listen to the gripes and bitterness of a gender-insensitive man. If you listen to him, you give him undeserved attention. What good does that do to you? None. Remember, it’s not a woman’s problem if a man’s mind is small, shallow, traditional, and mediocre. If an adult man wants to grow up, by all means, let him. If he needs help, assist him. Bring him to gender-sensitivity trainings; women forums, and other women-related activities; provide him good books. 

But if his only concern is to criticize you and drag you down, forget it. As the book “Maximize the Moment” says, “some luggage is not worth carrying with you. It will only pull you down with its weight. You are better off without it.”

It has always been said that acceptance of a new reality or paradigm is a difficult and painful process. It involves embracing a new life – new attitude; new approach; new outlook while discarding the old life – old attitude; old approach; old outlook. It takes courage to take on something new, which brings discomfort and lots of fears at the start; and more courage to get rid of something that we have been comfortable with for a long, long time. Continuing on the path of denial may seem easier for a time, but if we honestly try to have a fresh look from the outside, we will soon realize that we have more to lose than gain. After all, the world will not stop turning on our behalf. It will continue turning without us.

If he wants to learn it the hard way, so be it. Sooner or later, it will sink in and from his new awareness, growth. But by then, you will have made your mark.

(This article was originally written for a newspaper column in 2004.)